The Old Golfing Tsar
(Based on The Young Lochinvar by Sir Walter Scott)
So a Golfing Tsar has come out of the west,
through the entire world his Golf Course would be best;
He had pots of money but goodwill there was none,
from American apprentice his guile was well known.
So ruthless in business he was held in great awe,
a man on a mission was the old golfing tsar.
Scoured the land did this famous American son ,
Having viewed many sites he found the right one;
and so he alighted at the Menie Estate,
the owners consented, the objectors came late:
But when push came to shove he was a dastard but what’s more,
portrayed himself Scottish right through to the core.
So boldly he answered the planners call,
put plans to the council, objectors and all:
Then spoke the chairmen, with one single word,
No! (But that wasn’t what the full council concurred)
Advising Mr Trump to appeal…for that was the law
“I shall build it elsewhere” said our old golfing tsar
Scottish Ministers then allegedly acting as guide
called in the plans and came down on Trump’s side
And so began the battle of the Menie estate
the first salvo of which was the locking of gates.
For sooth there are places in Scotland more suitable by far,
that would gladly host the dream of the old golfing tsar.
No! No! Cried the businesses in the North East
We want to partake of this sumptuous feast
So plans are endorsed: the battle lines drawn
just as August comes in and the sun ripens corn
Properties he doesn’t own but can see from afar
Become the big target for the old golfing tsar
As homeowners and farmers are put to council debate
(I proffer that not all of the objectors live on the Menie estate)
For if its compulsory purchase the council should use
For such an exclusive development could be a misuse
So councillors are warned not to drink from this chalice
Lest the electors treat them with a similar malice
A mutual agreement would be better by far
As the venture is solely to profit the old golfing tsar
For it’ll be another case where the rich get their way
An Aberdeenshire clearance is what people will say
It’ll then matter not what excuses they make
For the judgement of history will be for them to partake
However I suspect that if this ploy were tried on America’s shores
For Trump’s men the angels would now be opening doors;
alas here wealth and privilege seem to always bend law
Don’t let it be the case for the old golfing tsar
So remember my words and lend me your ear
Lest the light of Iona blind you with fear
Don’t let resident’s property be forced to be sold
For your promise of riches may just be fools Gold
So think carefully about the path you now take
And do not be quick to make a monumental mistake
For just as the Menie gets covered in Haar
Don’t let your judgement be clouded by the old golfing tsar
Spirit of Iona (2009)
